Not News 247

Feb 11


Two paper special today with the Times being joined by the Daily Mail in picking one of my favourite topics for its front page: WHY DO YOU HATE CHRISTIANS WHEN THEY’RE THE GOOD GUYS??? Ah the poor white man, ever oppressed. The silent majority (I think all caps is silence right?). And now they can’t pray before having a meeting on bus provision. When will they get to talk to god now?

I guy the only way to pick between these two excellent news papers is to decide if you’d prefer a coffee or a tree.

Feb 10

False Hope: Daily Express

Taking a front page for yesterday from the ever so useful frontpagestoday again. I’m afraid I haven’t looked into this in great detail but you might just think that if Alzheimer’s had been cured someone else might have picked up the story as well. Instead what we see is the Daily Express giving false hope to millions and increase the general level of mistrust in science. Excellent work everyone. 0 out of 1.

Feb 09

Amageddon not definite, lottery winning more so: The Telegraph

  1. Not only are the trials and tribulations of picking who is in charge of a group of eleven men running around a small field attempting to get a ball between two posts not news the announcement that something is ‘not definite’ is hardly newsworthy unless the thing that is ‘not definite’ is of equal significance as armageddon itself. Not news.
  2. "Couple who can see into the future found by asking lots of people to pay a pound to guess which six numbers will be drawn out of a hat". Not news. Oh wait, it’s their wessing in a few months ZOMG must be magic.
  3. Tricky Greek debt negotiations. Probably news.
  4. Russia disapproval of Syria ungraded from “it’ll be fine” to “it won’t definitely not be fine”. News.
  5. Actress to act in film. Not news.

Well there we are. I considered subtracting points for bringing up Princess Diana but decided to maintain my usual cool headedness. Thats 1.75 out of 5 for the Telegraph.

Feb 08

George ‘colder than the north pole’ Osborne gives tickets to jubilee concert to Greece if they leave: The Express

Before we begin, and at the risk of this surely coming up twice, lets remember Syria is descending into civil war (or at least if the civilians could defend themselves it would) while the international community fails to do anything.

  1. Yes its cold. Its also fairly cold at the north pole I assume, we get it. Not news.
  2. Politicians get a bit carried away but chancellor realises banks are still a bit useful. Not news.
  3. Directly under the word ‘news’ we get ‘free tickets’. Unless you get those tickets by sleeping with the queen (Prince Phil being the exception here) not news.
  4. Pop stars to perform music. Not news.
  5. Contingency planners make contingency plan. Not news.

Well there we are an amazing 0 out of 5. Syria comes in an impressive 17th and when it does Britain is mentioned as many times as Syria is. Wow wow wow wow wow.

Feb 07

Lone wolf prince reports dead man still dead: The BBC

A little break from newspapers today with a trip to the BBC.

  1. Bombing Syrian civilians. Definitely news.
  2. Group of people paid to say things that may or may not be true say something that may or may not be true and isn’t particularly helpful anyway. Not news.
  3. More people talk about dead author still being dead than read his books says the artist formerly known as prince. Not news.

Not a bad result for the BBC with an impressive 1 out of 3.

Feb 06

Is Queen’s Syrian Rail Bonus British Enough? The Guardian

Its about time I hit the Guardian, here goes:

  1. Politician to say rail bosses shouldn’t get bonuses because everyone is pissed off with bankers but not actually stop them getting their bonuses. Not news.
  2. More disaster in Syria. News.
  3. Lady with big anniversary this year looking forward to it. Not news.
  4. OMFG immigrants and patriotism WTF ROFL??!11! Not news.

A disappointing 1 out of 4 for the Guardian.

Feb 05

A whole weeks worth of news: The Sunday Times

Its hard for to judge a paper you can’t see the stories for but The Sunday Times does a have a whole week to work with here so lets give it a go:

  1. Man whose job it is to criticise schools criticises schools. Barely News.
  2. I can’t find what the Toyota story is about so… Not News.
  3. Chris Huhne. Probably News.
  4. People dying for freedom in Syria. NEWS.
  5. Thatcher film rubbish. Not News.
  6. Wind farm nimbyism. Not News.

Don’t let that 1.5 out of 6 decive you, they had a whole week to work with here.

Feb 04

WWIII, its cold cos of the SUVs, sports and Argentinian excitment: The Independent

  1. World war 3? Seems to based on rumours and a little extrapolation but so long as it’s done with good judgement that’s what we want journalists to do. News.
  2. Can climate change be said to be the cause of any single weather event? Nope. Not news.
  3. Sport? Not news.
  4. Britain posturing over the Falklands. Not news (yet).

A decent effort at 1 out of 4 but could do better.

Feb 03

Man? Woman? Sex: The Sun

Sadly I was busy yesterday but we can turn to front pages today for a real actual like what was printed on a dead tree front page.

I couldn’t resist picking out the sun who have not only managed to use up their entire front page with something so far from news it doesn’t need me rattling on about it but have failed to realise than the idea of a man having sex with another man is not a shocking idea to everyone and therefore does not serve to make us feel disgusted at the idea of a sex change.

No doubt inside we can expect an interesting discussion of sex and gender politics. I somehow feel that a score of 0 out of 1 is too high.

Feb 02

Facebook on CBB in wintertime deadcupboard SHOCKER: Daily Mail

I must admit I was a little worried that on a day with actual news happening (74 dead after football match in Egypt) we might get some high scores. I panicked and with just a hint of cheating I went for the Daily Mail but I needn’t have worried.

  1. Shares in booming company worth money shocker! Not news.
  2. I’m not even going to admit knowing what CBB is. Not news.
  3. Britain still saying the same thing about withdrawing troops from Afghanistan. Not News.
  4. Dead guy in underground cupboard. I suspect this is overblown but as I don’t know the details I’ll give the benefit of the doubt. Barely news.
  5. Winter cold. Not news.

That’s 0.5 out of 5 for the Daily Mail. Frankly better than expected. I’d like to give an honourable mention for the Afgan story which shows promise. I wouldn’t want to discourage them when they’re close.